It's Not Always ApPARENT: 2018

Monday, April 23, 2018

Overwhelming Emotion... Have You Ever Been Taken Over By It?

Since mom's passing, I find myself doing okay but boy oh boy, do I get caught by surprise by overwhelming emotions at the most unexpected times.

Yes, when I first started to go shopping without her in tow, I found myself, especially in some of the department stores we frequented, turning around to see if she was following me and alright. It was disturbing to me that I did that... then saddened me that she was no longer behind me for me to check on. Then I tried to hold back tears....

Yesterday, after running to BJ's, I decided to stop by Target because I had not been there for a while and wanted to browse. Honestly, mom didn't creep into my thoughts while I shopped. I was parched so I stopped at the cafe to grab a drink on my way out to the car.

It was a beautiful spring (finally spring feeling day) day, sun was shining brightly. As I began my walk to the car, I surveyed the parking lot for traffic... and then it hit.

I was overcome with emotion.

There was a young girl, maybe mid-20's or so, walking up to the storefront with an elderly, hunched over woman...

and I thought of mom,

all the trips we did together shopping,

all the trips we did and how they progressively got shorter because her stamina couldn't take all day shopping,

and I thought to myself... does that young girl realize how lucky she is? Oh how I would love to have mom here with me shopping... just spending time together... but my time was well spent with her while she was here on earth, and oh how I wish she was still here on earth.

I had to cut my shopping short, no BB&B, no Talbot's, no Macy's... I was a sobbing idiot! I headed home instead.

Oh mom, I guess it will never get better for me. I hope you are happy in heaven, that gives me solace that you are no longer suffering from dementia and have been reunited with loved ones.

Until we meet again, xoxoxoxo...

Tuesday, March 20, 2018

What Becomes of the Broken Hearted?

To paraphrase the lyrics of this song...

As I walk this land of broken dreams
I have visions of many things
But happiness is just an illusion
Filled with sadness and confusion

What becomes of the broken hearted
Who had love that's now departed
I know I've got to find
Some kind of peace of mind
Maybe

I remember hearing this song as a child on the radio, a lot. I always thought of it as a love song between a couple of people whose relationship had been severed. And at least one party was saddened by the breakup.

And it is.

However, these lyrics have an entirely different meaning to me now.

I realize that losing a parent is hard, especially when you love them with your entire being.

I realize that the grievance period can last for-e-ver, can hurt so much in the beginning, and hopefully ease with the passage of time.

Today marks the 2 month anniversary of mom's passing. I continue to miss her terribly. What an amazing woman she was and a life she lived.

At times, I find myself overwhelmed with emotion, tearing up, heart-breaking and gut-wrenching pain. I give into it when I can because I know it will pass...

I often wonder, had I not loved mom so much, lived my life to ensure she was taken care of with the best possible care, fully loved and included in everything... I wonder, would this pain be as great?

Did I love too much, did I set myself up, did I do this to myself?

This bond I had with my mother was so strong, only now am I realizing how strong it was as I try to 'let it go', 'let her go', 'let us go'.

I started this blog with the thought it would be a place where I could write about our journey as mom started with dementia and it's progression. I made a few posts, not as frequently as I thought I would, but I posted a few nonetheless.

As I am living this grief journey, I think I will try to use it as an outlet, as a tool to help me deal with my grief and the day-to-day memories, challenges and lessons I come across about my life with mom.

I was one lucky duck to have a mother like her.