Since mom's passing, I find myself doing okay but boy oh boy, do I get caught by surprise by overwhelming emotions at the most unexpected times.
Yes, when I first started to go shopping without her in tow, I found myself, especially in some of the department stores we frequented, turning around to see if she was following me and alright. It was disturbing to me that I did that... then saddened me that she was no longer behind me for me to check on. Then I tried to hold back tears....
Yesterday, after running to BJ's, I decided to stop by Target because I had not been there for a while and wanted to browse. Honestly, mom didn't creep into my thoughts while I shopped. I was parched so I stopped at the cafe to grab a drink on my way out to the car.
It was a beautiful spring (finally spring feeling day) day, sun was shining brightly. As I began my walk to the car, I surveyed the parking lot for traffic... and then it hit.
I was overcome with emotion.
There was a young girl, maybe mid-20's or so, walking up to the storefront with an elderly, hunched over woman...
and I thought of mom,
all the trips we did together shopping,
all the trips we did and how they progressively got shorter because her stamina couldn't take all day shopping,
and I thought to myself... does that young girl realize how lucky she is? Oh how I would love to have mom here with me shopping... just spending time together... but my time was well spent with her while she was here on earth, and oh how I wish she was still here on earth.
I had to cut my shopping short, no BB&B, no Talbot's, no Macy's... I was a sobbing idiot! I headed home instead.
Oh mom, I guess it will never get better for me. I hope you are happy in heaven, that gives me solace that you are no longer suffering from dementia and have been reunited with loved ones.
Until we meet again, xoxoxoxo...
