What Becomes of the Broken Hearted?

To paraphrase the lyrics of this song...

As I walk this land of broken dreams
I have visions of many things
But happiness is just an illusion
Filled with sadness and confusion

What becomes of the broken hearted
Who had love that's now departed
I know I've got to find
Some kind of peace of mind
Maybe

I remember hearing this song as a child on the radio, a lot.  I always thought of it as a love song between a couple of people whose relationship had been severed.  And at least one party was saddened by the breakup.

And it is.

However, these lyrics have an entirely different meaning to me now.    

I realize that losing a parent is hard, especially when you love them with your entire being.

I realize that the grievance period can last for-e-ver, can hurt so much in the beginning, and hopefully ease with the passage of time.

Today marks the 2 month anniversary of mom's passing. I continue to miss her terribly. What an amazing woman she was and a life she lived.

At times, I find myself overwhelmed with emotion, tearing up, heart-breaking and gut-wrenching pain.  I give into it when I can because I know it will pass...

I often wonder, had I not loved mom so much, lived my life to ensure she was taken care of with the best possible care, fully loved and included in everything... I wonder, would this pain be as great?  

Did I love too much, did I set myself up, did I do this to myself?

This bond I had with my mother was so strong, only now am I realizing how strong it was as I try to 'let it go', 'let her go', 'let us go'.

I started this blog with the thought it would be a place where I could write about our journey as mom started with dementia and it's progression. I made a few posts, not as frequently as I thought I would, but I posted a few nonetheless.  

As I am living this grief journey, I think I will try to use it as an outlet, as a tool to help me deal with my grief and the day-to-day memories, challenges and lessons I come across about my life with mom.

I was one lucky duck to have a mother like her.