Monday, November 2, 2020

A Year After a Hard Life Well Lived ~ In loving memory of Ron, November 2, 2020

 



What a hard year this past year has been after losing Ron on November 2, 2019, after his catastrophic spinal-cord accident.  It’s a made-for-TV story, full of ups and downs, hopefulness and despair, beginnings and ends, but through it all, gratefulness.

 

The four months leading up to his tragic passing certainly were the most challenging months Ron, our family and I have ever had to live through, but we did this as a family unit and were there for Ron every step of the way.  We showered him back with the love he showed us through the years. Karma exists, and this man left us knowing we loved him very much.


Our family felt the love and support from family & friends, even strangers reached out to help us in our time of great need.  We will never be able to thank everyone for the support provided.  We will be forever grateful for the angels that walk on earth. Our sincere gratitude.

 

Ron suffered for 28 years (to the day, no less) before his tragic fall down the steps, from a previous, at-work accident.  He suffered with RSDS (Reflex Sympathetic Dystrophy Syndrome - https://www.health.ny.gov/diseases/chronic/reflex_sympathetic/).  Feel free to go to the link and get a 10,000 ft level of what that disease consists of for the suffering person. 

 

What this doesn’t tell you is living a life with this disease causes one to live a life of depression and immediate mood swings.  You can manage the pain and get some enjoyment out of life only to have that change in a heartbeat to constant excruciating pain that drives you mad!  You planned to go to the party, even showed up only to have to leave right after your arrival due to the pain and inability to socialize.


Imagine a toothache and how painful it is that it required a dentist to remove the tooth to ease the pain… well that pain is temporary for most people.  Someone suffering with RSDS cannot find relief, ever. 

 

If you, or someone you know, suffers from depression, seek help.  You are not alone, you are worth it.  Please go to https://www.samhsa.gov/find-help/national-helpline and get the help you deserve.

Ron was a warrior before he picked up his shining armor last July.  He fought to be the man he was before RSDS, and sometimes he won!  The ‘old Ron’ would come out and try to recapture his ‘happy-go-lucky self’, even if for a short period of time.

 Who knew what lay ahead, what battles he still had to win?  God knew but we were clueless.  I sometimes reflect on that. I think that cluelessness helped us continue.

 I can only hope that in the face of such adversity that I can be as strong a person that my husband was as he lived and endured his last four months.  I cannot imagine being fully aware of my surroundings and not being able to do one thing for myself being totally dependent upon others to get through the day-to-day living we all take for granted.  Imagine how humbling this is.  And yet, his suffering showed me just how strong the human spirit can be in times of turmoil.  I know he could not have done this alone, and with the love of his family he worked hard to see the silver lining among the clouds… each and every day!

If you’ve read this far, thank you.  I now want to shift from what was up to his final battle, to what this past year has been like without Ron in my life.  It’s been rough, I am not going to lie… and the COVID-19 pandemic and quarantine has not helped make this year any easier to live through.  But live through it I have.  Like Ron, I am a warrior and survivor.

I am being selfish and using this post to cathartically deal with my emotions.

 I know I have posted on social media much about my day-to-day struggles and how I am dealing with them.  I believed that sharing them would not only help me, but more importantly, help my friends if they ever go through such a life-changing, catastrophic accident.  There really isn’t any textbook or SOP to follow, you just have to go along with it as it unfolds. I have never know anyone who went through this type of ordeal, nor how they dealt with it.

I liken it to a tunnel you must travel, you have no choice so it’s not so amazing that you take those tracks into the darkness, clueless.  It’s the fact, that despite no light at the end of that dark tunnel, you continue to move forward, even when you don’t wish to, that you do.  

At first, this tunnel is so long, so empty, so terrifying, so unsurmountable… but the days continue to move along, as does the rest of the world.  You find it difficult to move past the day that took your loved one away from you, so unexpectedly, so quickly.  You are stuck in time all the while knowing time is moving ahead.

 The next thing you know, your endless days turn into weeks & months.  This uncertain world you now are living in becomes even more uncertain when COVID-19 rears it’s ugly head.  Just as I was thinking about trying to find support groups that help you through the loss of a spouse, I must quarantine and sequester in my own home. Not even traveling into the office as we all become remote workers where it’s possible. 

 Now in my 8th month of working remote, I miss the social aspect of seeing my coworkers… heck, I even took on an entirely new role within the company in June… talk about trying to learn a new role without meeting any of my new coworkers in person… but virtually meeting up with them.

 Now in the 8th month of quarantine, I miss the social aspect of extended family & friends. 

 Oh I have kept myself busy.  My saving grace has been my children & their children.  All have kept me busy over the last 12 months.

 Shortly after Ron’s passing, we celebrated the 2019 holiday season as a family unit, mulling our way through them with the help of the little ones who were super excited.  We needed that, thank God for grandchildren. They help  you through times you don’t want to live through.

 Quickly following the holidays came our 1st celebration of Ron’s birthday in February, which we took as an opportunity to virtually celebrate with a Baby shower for our newest grandchild, Steve & Jess’ baby.  The news of this impending arrival was shared with Ron and I well ahead of the time it would have been shared.  It was one of the brightest moments Ron enjoyed while stuck in Portland, before the trials and tribulations we had yet to encounter. 

 


March 1st we welcomed Brynn Mikaela.  I hope to meet this little lass before she packs up and heads off to college, but this COVID-19 epidemic isn’t making it easy for me.

 May rolled around and saw me celebrate, what would have been, our 41st Anniversary, my 61st birthday without him.  Not that he ever went overboard on either day in the 40 years we were together, but he would make sure I treated myself to whatever I wanted.  Such a romantic at heart, ha!  May also saw our daughter buy a new home, put her house on the market, sell it within a day or two!  No reason for me to stay in my house with no grands nearby, there was nothing keeping me here, so…

 June and July saw me trying to get rid of lots of crap, oh, I mean cherished memories… over 31 years of them! Why in heaven’s name did we ever think to keep all that stuff?  So purge, purge and more purge and pack, pack and more pack, then clean, clean, and more clean and finally stage, stage and more stage… which led me to put the house on the market on…

 

August 1, only to have multiple over asking price offers on August 2nd!  Who could have imagined something so lucky as that?  Thanks for Ron for keeping the place up-to-date, the sale went off without a hitch and settlement was made on my mom & dad’s wedding anniversary in…


September.  I have been living with Lisa and her family in their new home since mid-September.  Coco only had us getting kicked out twice in all that time… I think I have been behaving well so far… but Lisa and Teddy will have to be the ultimate judge of that…

 So here we are in November once again, the 2nd to be exact, the one year anniversary of Ron’s passing… I thought we’d grow old together.  I lived with Ron twice as long as I lived with my parents.  I went from my mom and dad, to Ron and Stephen, then Rachel, then Lisa and then Andrew.  We had Gypsy, Misty, Reggie, Max and Coco who added much happiness to our lives.  We lived through our starter house with four kids, to our handyman special house with the same four kids and made it our home by working on every square inch of living space.  We added two additions to the original house to accommodate those growing kids. Raised them and saw them spread their wings; some soared, some are still trying to take off, but they were raised in a family home with love through all the trials we survived…

 Often asked is the question, “If you could, what if anything, would you change?”  That’s a loaded question for sure… because had we not had such a hard life I often wonder if we’d be as grateful for that which was given to us.  With the bad comes the good, the yin and yang… Yes, Ron lived a hard life… one that neither of us would have wished on anyone.  We often questioned why or thought what if this had never happened, what kind of life might we have had?

 The truth of the matter is, we took the cards we were dealt and played the best hand possible.  Shitty is one way to describe the last half of his life, but what it boils down to is, we met, fell in love,  had a beautiful family, even more beautiful grandchildren and lots of happy times… we had a wonderful life together.  I miss him terribly and will hold him in my heart until the day I die.  He gave me the greatest gift I could have, a loving family.

 I am still trying to figure out how to navigate this new single life at my age… but I’ll keep on chugging because I see a light at the end of the tunnel, and I want to see what’s in store for me there.  I still have so many things to overcome, and I will try to as the need arises.  I will try to be easy on myself because I know I am still traversing this tunnel, alone and with others.  I’ll continue because I know that Ron would have wanted me to do that.

 The sun will come out tomorrow.

 



Monday, April 29, 2019

Cross Bottle Guy: DJBS1

Cross Bottle Guy: DJBS1: Approximate Overall Height: 15.75

Another stunner Artie!  I love the lines of this one.

Monday, April 23, 2018

Overwhelming Emotion... Have You Ever Been Taken Over By It?

Since mom's passing, I find myself doing okay but boy oh boy, do I get caught by surprise by overwhelming emotions at the most unexpected times.

Yes, when I first started to go shopping without her in tow, I found myself, especially in some of the department stores we frequented, turning around to see if she was following me and alright.  It was disturbing to me that I did that... then saddened me that she was no longer behind me for me to check on.  Then I tried to hold back tears....

Yesterday, after running to BJ's, I decided to stop by Target because I had not been there for a while and wanted to browse.  Honestly, mom didn't creep into my thoughts while I shopped.  I was parched so I stopped at the cafe to grab a drink on my way out to the car.

It was a beautiful spring (finally spring feeling day) day, sun was shining brightly.  As I began my walk to the car, I surveyed the parking lot for traffic... and then it hit.

I was overcome with emotion.  

There was a young girl, maybe mid-20's or so, walking up to the storefront with an elderly, hunched over woman... 

and I thought of mom,

all the trips we did together shopping,

all the trips we did and how they progressively got shorter because her stamina couldn't take all day shopping,

and I thought to myself... does that young girl realize how lucky she is?  Oh how I would love to have mom here with me shopping... just spending time together... but my time was well spent with her while she was here on earth, and oh how I wish she was still here on earth.

I had to cut my shopping short, no BB&B, no Talbot's, no Macy's... I was a sobbing idiot!  I headed home instead.

Oh mom, I guess it will never get better for me.  I hope you are happy in heaven, that gives me solace that you are no longer suffering from dementia and have been reunited with loved ones.  

Until we meet again, xoxoxoxo...

Tuesday, March 20, 2018

What Becomes of the Broken Hearted?

To paraphrase the lyrics of this song...




As I walk this land of broken dreams
I have visions of many things
But happiness is just an illusion
Filled with sadness and confusion

What becomes of the broken hearted

Who had love that's now departed
I know I've got to find
Some kind of peace of mind
Maybe



I remember hearing this song as a child on the radio, a lot.  I always thought of it as a love song between a couple of people whose relationship had been severed.  And at least one party was saddened by the breakup.

And it is.

However, these lyrics have an entirely different meaning to me now.    

I realize that losing a parent is hard, especially when you love them with your entire being.

I realize that the grievance period can last for-e-ver, can hurt so much in the beginning, and hopefully ease with the passage of time.

Today marks the 2 month anniversary of mom's passing. I continue to miss her terribly. What an amazing woman she was and a life she lived.



At times, I find myself overwhelmed with emotion, tearing up, heart-breaking and gut-wrenching pain.  I give into it when I can because I know it will pass...

I often wonder, had I not loved mom so much, lived my life to ensure she was taken care of with the best possible care, fully loved and included in everything... I wonder, would this pain be as great?  

Did I love too much, did I set myself up, did I do this to myself?



This bond I had with my mother was so strong, only now am I realizing how strong it was as I try to 'let it go', 'let her go', 'let us go'.





I started this blog with the thought it would be a place where I could write about our journey as mom started with dementia and it's progression. I made a few posts, not as frequently as I thought I would, but I posted a few nonetheless.  

As I am living this grief journey, I think I will try to use it as an outlet, as a tool to help me deal with my grief and the day-to-day memories, challenges and lessons I come across about my life with mom.

I was one lucky duck to have a mother like her.





Sunday, February 4, 2018

And God Finally Called


Only God knew when this would happen.
A date I never wanted to see arrive.
God called to mom and she answered
And is now in Heaven...
with her mom and dad...
her brothers...
and my dad...

I miss her so much, it's gut wrenching at times.

The 31st anniversary of dad's passing was

Not a very happy weekend for me.

I'll write more about it when I can.

R.I.P Mom, love you forever and a day, 
miss you more than I ever knew possible. 
How will I live on without you?
#dimentiasucks #ilovemom #heavengotanotherangel  #missyoumom
#momismybestfriend #howwilligoon #flyeaglesfly 

Tuesday, July 11, 2017

It's Been Decided, We Found A Place For Mom

Arrangements had been made to move mom from my home to her new 'apartment'.  I have such mixed feelings.

I know it's what is best for her.  She needs better care and a place where they can have her do activities.  I hope this Assisted Living facility does her some good.  It's a beautiful facility. 




I am afraid that this move from my home may be the start of another rapid decline.


She's going to be placed in the memory care section because she wouldn't be able to navigate the facility on her own and she'll get the extra care that comes with that unit.


It's pretty expensive too, but is on a month-to-month rental with 30 day notice of leaving.


My sister assures us that mom has sufficient funds to see her through at least 2 years before any assets need to be tapped into... It's kinda like placing a bet that she'll move onto that spirit in the sky before her money runs out.  That's how these places operate... pay as you go... pay to play... pay from your own pocket... and when the well is dry, out you must go.


Ah, who knows... I wish I felt better having her leaving my home.  I wish I didn't feel like I failed her.  I wish I could have given her more.  I wish her a happy life in her new home, her 'apartment'. 


Perhaps I will be greatly surprised.  

Thursday, June 22, 2017

Moving Mom Along

I don't know how I feel about this.  My siblings are all in agreement that mom needs to be moved along to a facility that can give her a level of care that my husband and I cannot.  

We've checked out the places. They are expensive. But my sister insists that she could be in the place we are leaning towards for at least two years before assets need to be touched.  Really?  Still do not know how long she can remain in the pay-as-you-go facility.  Will she outlive her funds? Then what?  

The front funnel has reached out to my brother and let him know they are holding a room for mom, but only until tomorrow. Yikes!!!  

I am so concerned that moving her will cause another rapid decline and she'll do poorly.  But that is beyond my control... so much of what concerns me is beyond my control... my son's heroin addiction, my husbands RSD/CRPS pain, my mom's journey with dementia...ugh.  

Well a decision will need to be made, and from the sounds of it, soon!

Prayers requested.

#APlaceForMom #Dementia #HelpWithMom #ILoveMom. 

Sunday, May 7, 2017

Bringing Happy Memories to Mom

Lately mom has been insistent on going home...

But this home is her childhood home on McKinley Street in the Wyssinoming neighborhood of Philly.  She wants to see her mom and dad.  


Recently, she was a bit sad and said she wished her family would call or visit.  When I asked who she wanted to call, she said Jerry.  My uncle Jerry was my Godfather.  He died well over a decade ago after a bout with cancer.


I had to explain that nana and pop pop were long gone as were all her brothers and their wives.  Maybe, Uncle Bud was still around but I have no idea as he never kept in touch.


This morning, as I was bringing laundry downstairs, I decided to go through the boxes of things I brought home from mom's house when we put it on the market.  Mostly pictures that no one wanted.  I tend to treasure these images of old as they are our history.  


At this point, I don't know who all the folks are in the pictures, and doubt I ever will because mom has progressed in her dementia and doesn't recall who all the folks are.  However, I do know some of the folks from the past.


When mom talks about where she'd like to go, most of the time it surrounds her family when she was younger.  When I speak of my dad, I sometimes get a blank stare in return, like my dad is a stranger to her.


So back to the laundry and pictures... 


I decided to bring up her wedding album.  I left it on my dining room table planning to sit with her and go through it, but she came upon it herself and started to look through it.











After noticing her looking through the album, I said what do you think?  Who are these people?  She had a big smile on her face and said mom, dad and me.  When we flipped the page I asked who these two folks were and she said Franny (my dad's bestman) and I asked and the other guy?  She said Bill.


After looking through the album, she said I wish I had a magnifying glass... and as if in a Disney Princess Movie, I made a magnifying glass appear.  Oh, she was so happy to see it so she could study the pictures... and study she did.

































When she was finished looking at them, she stood up, walked a few steps and was in another space of her own.  I asked her if she was okay and she said, that last half hour has brought on so many things and I just don't know how to explain it... so many wonderful memories, I just loved it!


She showered, dressed and returned to the dining room to look at all the pictures once again.












I just love seeing her take it all in and be happy.


Love you mom, miss you too.


Back to the laundry for me for real.

#dementia #byemom #missyoumom #takingcareofmom #wherehasmomgone #aginggracefully #respectyourelders #timeinabottle

Saturday, February 6, 2016

By The Lack of Posts You'd Think Nothing Is Happening...

But the exact opposite is in fact the truth.



While I was away in January at my company's Sales Meeting in Dallas, Mom came down with Shingles!  It's been just about two weeks now and she's all scabbed over so at least she's not contagious at this point.



My pregnant daughter came by yesterday afternoon for a visit.  She's the nurse, who of all people could have helped out with mom BUT the fact that she's pregnant meant that she was the last person we wanted around.  Pregnancy and Shingles do not mix well and the baby's health is paramount.



Poor mom.  The medicine to help with Shingles has awful side affects and I believe she experienced every bad side affect possible.  Nausea, vomiting, pain, burning pain, aches, constipation... you name it.  It's been a heck of a time.




Funny story, the other day I felt like a Proctologist... certainly not a career I have ever aspired to... but you gotta do what you gotta do to help I suppose.

Vaseline, gloves and a prayer, there I was trying to help mom poop!  




I know, gross, and my third time helping had me telling mom she owed me BIG time!

Oh well, that's it for now!

Have I grossed you out enough?  



Getting old ain't easy.  Taking care of the elderly ain't for the feint of heart either!


#takingcareofmom #elderlycare #momsmovedin #momsgrowingold #livingwithmom #elderlycaregiver #momneedshelp  #fortheloveofmom #dementiaistakingmomaway  #dementia #caringformom #momneedshelp #adultcare #seniorcare #caregiver #helpforcaregivers #ilovemom #momisdisappearing #livingwithmom #livingwithdementia


Saturday, October 31, 2015

God Help Me!

God help me!

Help me to get patient. 

Patient with mom.



Mom's had a walker for about 5 weeks now, but in actual usage, about 2.5 weeks.  That's because she's been in and out of hospitals and nursing homes so much over the last 5 weeks.



I must tell her about 70 times a day, when you are up walking, you need to have your walker in your hands so you do not fall.  You fell and fractured your pelvis so now you MUST use a walker EVERY time you walk so you don't fall again and do more damage to yourself.



And everytime she gets up, she walks right past her walker and walks!!! ARGH!!!  I am about ready to hand cuff it to her wrist!


I am now at the point where I am not telling her, not saying to her, I am just about YELLING it at her!  

And I hate that.

She gets frustrated with me as I get frustrated with her.



Please God, help me.   Help me to get patient.  Patient with mom.



Anyone out there experience this and can offer a few words of encouragement or suggestions?

#dementiaistakingmomaway  #dementia #caringformom #momneedshelp #adultcare #seniorcare #caregiver #helpforcaregivers #ilovemom #momisdisappearing #livingwithmom #livingwithdementia